Will it ever pay off?

First of all, wow, 6 weeks already! Still going strong with this (thanks to my accountability buddy).

I went on a walk today by myself, that’s usually when the things that are bothering me start bubbling up, as I’m not distracted by work, music, chores, etc… I was having thoughts about how I’m “stuck”, again, even though my life has generally been improving. I still want to move out, have a better career, a life partner and so on. And it got me thinking, “will it ever be enough?”. For example, for a while I wanted to have a client on the side to make some extra money, and to push myself. Now that I got one, I’m already thinking “cool, what’s next?” and the project isn’t even over yet. It kind of makes you think if there’s a point to all this. Or if I’m even focusing on the right things?

These past couple of weeks were useful, as it helped me realise I don’t in fact want to work on other people’s projects and dreams. I want to work on my own. And I’m also not about that 24/7 grind thing. I like keeping things balanced, as much as they could be at least. I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just have a feeling that the things I can control (or at least to some extent, like my career goals) are short-lived, as in when I achieve them, I’ll start looking for the next thing. And the things I can’t control, I have no idea when or if they’re even going to happen.

Being stuck in a routine, or at the very least a “bad” routine is one of the things I dread the most. My parents for example, I don’t want to say anything bad about them, they’re great people and they enabled a great life for me, but their lifestyle is one of my worst fears. Work, couch, doing chores during the weekend, look for any excuse to stay in mediocrity and stay in the same place. Repeat. Not saying it’s wrong, if someone is happy living like that, then great. I used to be like that for a while, and whenever I lived like that I felt extremely depressed. Doing nothing with my life, while knowing I’m capable of much more. That’s one of the biggest reasons I started this blog. To “document” my journey, and I don’t want to document that I was a lazy POS the entire week. Doing the same thing, over and over again, living without a purpose is one of my worst nightmares. Having good role models is great, but having a bad role model also is (not saying my parents are, but their lifestyle is something I want to avoid like the plague). Having a clear example of “okay, that is NOT what I want to do” is a great thing.

YouTube also popped up a video that said “Watch this if all you do is work and gym”. I was hesitant to watch it at first, as it seemed like one of those clickbaity, alpha male self-improvement type of videos, which I really don’t like. But the title caught my attention as it described my life pretty well. It really is just work and gym, with a bit of reading on the side. The video ended up being kind of interesting. The guy in there talked about this life chapter called the “purgatory”, where you’re basically working on yourself, but you’re still not there yet. You’re lacking social skills, you still haven’t achieved your goals, and so on, but you’re on the right path. It reminds me of “the lonely chapter” Chris Williamson talks about, I think it’s pretty much the same thing. So, essentially, all this should pay off, eventually, I hope.

Saying all this, I think the whole point is using your potential and trying. Doing that gives you a purpose, something to work on. It doesn’t have to be about the goals or achievements, it really is about the journey. Who cares how many clients I’ll get, or how much they’re going to pay me, look at all this stuff I’ve experienced and learned in the meantime. I think that’s the point.

Who cares how much money my company is going to make, how many employees it’s going to have (I don’t actually want it to be huge anyway), how busy or stressful it’s going to be. I don’t want to brag about how stressed or busy I am. I want to look back and think of the experience, the people I met along the way, the connections I’ve made, how much I’ve learned and grown as a person, and so on. I think that’s what I want.

A bit of an unusual one this week, let’s see what I’ll come up with next week. If anyone is even reading this, probably not, but I know my one and only KOMPA does! Hi kompa.